Are You Staying Small Because Of What Your Mother Might Say?

Are you staying small because of what your mother might say?

SPEAKING UP SERIES

In this series I share honestly about something that’s affected me or I want to speak up about. A lot of us fear being punished if we speak up and it’s time for this to change and to regain our voices.

This post may challenge you. If that’s not your bag for today, why not sign up for the Self Care For Your Biz Finances Retreat instead?

 

 

Are You Staying Small Because Of What Your Mother Might Say?

 

Hello,

I wanted to share this with you.

It’s not about money or tax returns.

It’s about are you staying small because of what your mother might say – and what happens when you take on the fear and speak up.

I’m talking to every woman who has ever had these questions whispered quietly and oh so loudly in her mind:

  • Am I staying small because I am secretly TERRIFIED of what my mother might say?
  • Mummy, please don’t leave me if I share this
  • Mummy, I don’t want to hurt you and share what I know scares you so much you’re pretending it’s not there

My own mum has now seen the first post in this Speaking Up series and I’m writing while the experience is fresh.

I’m writing so other women can be supported and helped by my own experience, to have put into words the feelings creeping in the corners of your mind and body – so you can do something about it and stop staying small.

 

Your Mother Subscribing To Your Newsletter

 

Let’s get right to the heart of it.

We’ve all been there.

We check our new subscribers and BAM there it is.

Your mum, mummy, mother, mom, mam, mama has signed up to your list.

OMFG.

It comes up in business groups quite a lot. What to do when your mother is on your newsletter list or signs up to your new challenge or webinar.

Do you carry on the same? Pretend it hasn’t happened?

Because my MOTHER is reading my stuff. Doesn’t she know it’s private, even though it’s in public. I mean, SERIOUSLY.

If you’re unlucky you’ll receive emails giving ‘comments’ (aka you should have shut your mouth).

I would like to point out that my own mum hasn’t done this (hi mum!) but mums of other women have been right bitches. I’ve seen it in the groups. Behaviour a toddler would be ashamed of.

(For this post we’ll skip the discussion about why we pretend mothers are perfect women ‘doing their best’. Mums are people like everyone else and we all mess up. And I’ll admit I am uncomfortable saying this out loud as it were for fear of a backlash).

It’s one of the rites of passage of business – when your mother signs up to your list.

 

Because Your Mother Reading Your Stuff Is The.End.Of.The.World

 

 

Your mum reading your newsletter breaks that sacred agreement where we pretend we’re still a child and our mum pretends she doesn’t have a life of her own that has nothing to do with spawning you.

Both parties need to acknowledge we’re both adults when she reads your newsletter.

You have a life.

Your mum has a life.

Independent of the fact you grew in her uterus and, for most of us, came out of her vagina.

That can be a challenge.

Your mum is challenged that her baby is now an independent woman who can say what she wants and telling her off is no longer appropriate (sometimes it’s called feedback or constructive criticism).

(Hi my Mum, no, you don’t do that, I’m talking about what other women have shared with me).

Because it is A Thing. I’m lucky in that my mum brought me up to be independent, partly because her mum had such a shite time of it.

But newsletters? Ooooooh, it’s tricky as it brings up all the feelings, both as adults and children.

No wonder we stay small.

 

You Didn’t Protect Me Mum So I’m Staying Small

 

Put your hand in the air loud and proud if you were bullied at school.

I know I have a forest of hands. A veritable woodland of digits waving.

Being bullied is the norm.

And that small voice of your inner child – the one asking the questions at the beginning of this post – hasn’t gone away.

Bullying.

Why mummy?

Why aren’t you protecting me from what’s happening to me?

Why aren’t you making them go away?

They’re hurting me mummy.

Mummy?

Mummy!

Let’s be honest, there isn’t much that can be done about bullying until general culture has changed (and let’s keep discussion of that for another day).

That doesn’t mean jack diddly shit to your 5 year old self who has weed her knickers again because the special children at school have specially selected her for special attention (teasing, bullying – sooo many variations).

The word ‘popular’ gives me the shivers even now as it’s included in the phrase ‘popular children’ – the ones who have the attention and who ignore what else is happening.

By the way, this isn’t an excuse for mothers to give themselves a complex of guilt. Shit happens. It doesn’t mean it’s your fault.

(As I read this back to myself I am wincing, but I promised I would be honest with you about what it feels like, and that is what it feels like. One of my gifts is keeping in touch with myself as a small child and it is this painful when you’re bullied for no reason at all and in your small child perspective your parents in shining armour aren’t galloping in to make it all go away. I can see why at 39. A person can’t at 5).

I was taken by my parents to a specialist because I continued to wet the bed (i.e. they were taking care of me) and I remember silently screaming outside the doctor’s office why couldn’t everyone see the real reason.

While also knowing if my parents had spoken up, it would make no difference and likely make it worse.

This stuff isn’t logical.

But bullying – including no-ill-intent teasing day after day – marks us.

It harms us.

It takes years to heal.

And I believe at the bottom of it is that girl whose mummy hasn’t protected her from the bad children at school – and we don’t feel safe, so we stay small.

Bullying is that damaging.

Let’s say it out loud and then this illogical stuff stuck in our bodies can heal so we can grow into the women we’re meant to be (even if you wince as you do it.

 

 

We’re Staying Small Because We Don’t Want To Hurt Our Mother

 

Doesn’t everyone say to share your story as part of marketing your business?

They don’t mention how much courage it can take to share your story.

Most stories involve our mothers on some level as they’re about life experience.

What will she think?

Will she agree?

What might happen to our relationship?

Will she still love me?

What if? If? If?

This is usually unconscious and nobbles us without our realising.

ESPECIALLY when your mum joins your newsletter list or signs up to your first webinar which you’re freaking out about and want to crawl under the nearest table with your duvet.

(Thank you my mum for not signing up to my live broadcasts, I appreciate this).

 

It Forces Acknowledgment We’re An Adult Now

 

It boils down to one fact.

You are your own woman independent of your daughter status.

You are not a child.

You may be healing issues your mother chooses not to acknowledge.

You may be healing pain your mother chooses not to acknowledge.

You may healing family patterns your mother cannot handle.

Being the woman where the negative genetic memory stops can mean stepping up out of everyone’s comfort zones, not just your own.

Let’s be honest here, it’s not stepping out of our comfort zones.

It feels more like creeping up a precipice, rock ledge by rock ledge.

(With bird poo raining down on our heads. It may be nutritious fertilising guano, but it’s still bird shit on down your face when you’re in the moment)

Our mothers may not want to come with us (even with a safety rope and wet wipes).

It can be a scary thing, leaving your mother behind on your journey.

When your mother is choosing staying small because that’s what she wants to do or is the best she can do with what she has (maybe she was bullied too as most of us are).

 

What Happens When You Take On The Fear?

 

What happens when you take on the fear of staying small and Do Something?

Nothing in my case when I started the Speaking Up series.

Or at least my mum shared my first Speaking Up blog post with a friend and on Facebook.

Are you anxious your mum may reject you?

Your mum may tell you off.

Your mum may tell say you shamed the family.

Your mum may say she’s proud of you.

I’ve seen all of these happen to women who shared their stories.

And I’ve seen one sex blogger be targeted for abuse by her extended family – only to have her mother take them on and say fuck off, you’re out of line (I paraphrase).

You won’t know unless you heal what is stopping you.

 

It’s Your Journey

 

It’s your journey.

It’s okay if your mum is on your newsletter list.

It’s practice in being a grown up for you and your mum. Independent women both of you, not just tied by blood (adopted, biological or menstrual).

Adulting can be a thing for mums too. Even mums celebrating their 60th, 70th, 80th or 90th birthdays.

It’s okay if your mum chooses a different journey.

It’s okay to be a grown up.

It’s okay to release the bullies.

Its okay to let go of staying small.

It’s okay to stand up.

It’s okay to speak up.

It’s okay to be yourself.

Its okay to release your mum to choose her own journey.

It’s okay to choose your own journey.

And it’s okay to be a mother, mum, mom, mummy, mam without guilt.

 

 

Are You Choosing Your Own Journey?

 

Are You Staying Small Because Of What Your Mother Might Say?

 

Commit to sharing this post with one other woman today and share with me what action you took if you would like to.

If you want to explore working with me about how I can help you blend emotional growth with business growth, find out more or book a call with me (it’s free).

I’m on Instagram and Facebook, or you can contact me or leave a comment.

Always with you,

Rosie x

SPEAKING UP SERIES

In this series I share honestly about something that’s affected me or I want to speak up about. A lot of us fear being punished if we speak up and it’s time for this to change and to regain our voices.

What do YOU want me to speak up about?

 

Support: The book that is spreading across the world, Burning Woman by Lucy Pearce is a life changer must buy, whether you devour it immediately or take support from it sitting on your shelf reminding you of your courage.

 

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